The Most Drunk I've Ever Been - Without Alcohol.

On Wednesday morning I was sitting at my desk doing some preparation for the Lancaster Beer Festival.

I've had an annoying head cold for a couple of weeks now. You know the kind of feeling - like someone's stuffed a cushion into your head.

While entering judging information into a spreadsheet I was struck by a strange sensation. The cushion seemed to expand and shift suddenly to the right. This preceded what, had I been standing, I would describe as a collapse.

I picked myself up. On my feet I crashed into doors, bannisters and furniture while my vision swirled in anti-clockwise around a central point.

The calm and rational voice me told me a head-cold can affect the magical workings of the inner-ear, the mechanism that looks after balance, amongst other things.

My inner-caveman grunted "PANIC: something terrible is happening!" while the calm and rational self looked on disdainfully.

I called a local friend who whizzed round and drove me half a mile up the road the A&E at Furness General Hospital. I staggered to the reception desk and hugged it close to keep me upright. As they took my name a wheelchair appeared behind me. In the waiting room I struggled to stay upright in the chair; I needed to be horizontal.

I was wheeled into a cubicle and heaved onto a trolley* with the cot-like side rails up.

Nurses plugged me into a machine that goes ping and inserted a catheter at my wrist. I was asked if I minded medical students being present. The doctor delegated my examination to the students who were very thorough while being friendly and chatty. I suppose when a chap like me collapses they've got think about serious things like heart attacks, strokes and aneurisms.

Despite the room spinning rather alarmingly and an increasing nausea I remained entirely lucid.

During the examination I started to feel sick. I've never witnessed the phenomenon known as "projectile vomiting" and I doubted such a thing existed. My doubts were banished. Several times.

An anti-nausea medication was injected via the catheter. A CT scan and blood sample were sent off for analysis.

The test were fine. Other problems were ruled out and labrynthitis confirmed. A very unpleasant ailment but far from being life-threatening. About three hours after arriving I was discharged. I was given a packet of prochlorperazine should the symptoms recur.

I missed the judging at Lancaster BF.





*The thing Americans call a "gurney". A word that I find faintly disturbing.

Wanna Judge Beer? - Update

Here's the list of beers to be judged on Thursday 1st March for the Lancashire Cup. There will be others (including keg lager!) but being from outside Lancashire they don't qualify for judging.

Could those people who indicated via the comments on the previous post that they might like to judge please contact me by email to confirm? Thanks.

Bank Top	Gold Digger	4%
Bank Top	Dark Mild	4
Barngates	Red Bull Terrier	4.8
Barngates	Pride of Westmoreland	4.1
Coniston	Blacksmith's Ale	5
Coniston	No9 Barley Wine	8.5
Coniston	Infinity IPA	6
Coniston	Special Oatmeal Stout	4.5
Coniston	Bluebird	3.6
Cross Bay	Zenith	5
Cross Bay	Winter Moon	3.6
Cross Bay	Dusk	4.5
Cross Bay	Witching Hour	4.4
Cross Bay	Sunset	4.2
Cross Bay	Nightfall	3.8
Cumbrian Legendary Ales	Langdale	4
Cumbrian Legendary Ales	Loweswater Gold	4.3
Fallons	Hex Original	5
Fallons	Angelic War	3.8
Fuzzy Duck	Cunning Stunt	4.3
Fuzzy Duck	Pheasant Plucker	4.2
Greenodd	Best Bitter	4.1
Greenodd	Citra	4
Hopstar	Smokey Joes Black Beer	4
Hopstar	Dizzy Dannyale	3.8
JW Lees	The Governor	3.8
Kirkby Lonsdale	The Dark Arts	4.7
Kirkby Lonsdale	Stanley's	3.8
Lancaster	Red	4.9
Lancaster	Black	4.6
Lancaster	Blonde	4.1
Lancaster	Amber	3.7
Mayflower	Lancashire Stout	4
Mayflower	Lemon Head	3.9
Moorhouses	Blonde Witch	4.5
Moorhouses	Premier Bitter	3.7
Prospect Brewery	Nutty Slack	3.9
Prospect Brewery	Blinding Light	4.2
Rossendale Brewery	Halo Pale	4.5
Rossendale Brewery	Glen Top	4
Rossendale Brewery	Floral Dance	3.8
Stringers	No2 Stout	4
Stringers	The North Will Rise Again	4.9
Three B's	Stokers Slate	3.6
Three B's	Bobbins Bitter	3.8
Thwaites Brewery	Lancaster Bomber	4.4
Thwaites Brewery	Wainwright	4.1
Thwaites Brewery	Triple C	4.2

Wanna Judge Beer?

Once again I'm leading the judging for the Lancaster Beer Festival awarding the "Lancashire Cup".

This beer festival was formerly know as the Lanacster Round Table Beer Festival, and it is now in its 23rd year.

The dates are March 1st, 2nd and 3rd. Here's the website: http://www.lancasterbeerfest.org/

The judging will take place at Lancaster Town Hall on March 1st – and we have vacancies for judges.

If you can be in Lancaster (at your own expense, sorry – it is a charidee gig) on March 1st and you feel you know your beer then get in touch.

Some things I look for in a beer judge:

Open-mindedness: If you've ever uttered something like "all lager is rubbish" or "all keg beer is rubbish" then you should think again. As it happened, last year we had no lager or keg beer but nonetheless, to be an open-minded beer judge you will NOT have written off beers in these categories purely because of some dogma you have swallowed.

Open-mindedness: If you live by restrictive self-impose rules, e.g. "I never drink beer that is over 4%" or "I never drink stout", you're probably not cut out to be a judge.

Open-mindedness: you are intrigued by every new beer you encounter, regardless of style or country of origin.

A willingness to treat beer judging seriously. If, upon reading this, you thought something like "great, that'll be a laugh, pissing it up on free beer for day, count me in" then we don't want you.

What is Craft Beer?

Like pornography, it's hard to define, but I know it when I see it (link).

National Winter Ales Festival

Some pictures.

It was a beer festival. Beer was consumed.

Golden Pints

I know soon as I click 'publish' I'll start remembering things I should have included, but hey ho, let's go....


Best UK draught beer: Joint winners here. I don't want anyone to think I have a particular loyalty to my home county, it just so happens that this year three of my most memorable, almost tear-in-the eye moments, have been from beers from my own turf. 


Coniston Brewery's "Blacksmith's Ale". This one snuck up on me. Although I've been drinking various Coniston beers for years, This one wasn't on my radar. In my fifteen London years, Coniston beers were eagerly anticipated on homeland visits. I think that I had been reacting viscerally to its misleading description "winter warmer", a term which suggests to me, moderately-hopped sweet toffee-ish beers. In reality it's a copper-coloured ale with abundant hops. It's magic is in the way the flavours hang together and integrate as a  coherent intelligent magical whole. Borrowing a word from the wine world, this beer has "length" – its flavours develop and mutate upon every sip, it lingers, it slowly reveals new nuances. There is no greater complement for a beer – from me anyway.


Cumbrian Legendary Ales "Rothay Red IPA" – A new one. Only appeared in recent weeks. Possesses all the complexity of "Blacksmith's" but with abundant use of some kind of reddish malt and (I'm guessing) some rye. 


Stringers "Furness Abbey" - Splendid Belgie-esque cask beer.


Camden Lager. Hugely quenching, biscuity. Everything you need from a standard lager. Intelligently conceived. Properly brewed. Nicely presented.


Best UK packaged beer: I'm struggling to think of any particular beer that deserves to be singled out as overall winner so I'm just going to mention some that I have found myself making repeated acquisitions of.


Coniston's "Thurstein Pilsner" is misleadingly named; if it wasn't a protected designation of origin "Kölsch"would be more appropriate. Then again, no resident of Cologne would mistake it for one of their own. It's flavour is more savoury than a Kolsch. Whereas Pilsner hops are often described as "grassy" I might be inclined to described Thurstein's as "celery salty". And I like celery salt. A lot. By the way, according to Wikipedia "The lake [Coniston] was formerly known as "Thurston Water", a name derived from the Old Norse personal name 'Thursteinn' + Old English 'waeter'.^[2]This name was used as an alternative to Coniston Water until the late 18th century."


Hardknott's "Queboid". Dave may be busy trumpeting about his new "Vitesse Noir" but I think this is his best beer.


Best Overseas packaged:


"Boont Amber" by Anderson Valley and "Anchor Bock" by Anchor of San Francisco.


Best Overall Beer: 


It has to be the aforementioned Coniston Blacksmiths

Best Pumpclips: 


Dunno

Best UK Brewery:  


Coniston

Best Overseas Brewery: 


Dunno

Pub/Bar of the Year: 


The Free Trade Inn, Byker, Newcastle and the Jolly Butchers, Stoke Newington.

Beer Festival of the Year:


GBBF, simply because of the import selection and that I get to see almost all of the friends I've ever made in beer.

Supermarket of the Year: 


Booths, but I really wish they would do more interesting imports. [Booths – if you're reading this – I am available for consultation]

Independent Retailer of the year: 


BeerRitz

Online Retailer of the year: 


Dunno, haven't used any.

Best Beer Book/Mag: 


Beer. If only it was more widely available and not so on-message of the CAMRA narratives.

Best Blog: 


For being an elegant writer and for not being someone who endlessly posts links to their own utterances on every bloody medium known to man http://www.beerbirrabier.com/


Not sure it counts as a blog but I rather like http://desdemoor.co.uk/

Best tweeter: 


Do me a favour.

Best Online Brewery Presence: 


Dunno

Food and Beer Pairing of the Year: 


There have been many. If I recall a particularly outstanding one I'll come back and edit this.

What I'd like to do in 2012:


More of what I've done in 2011 but with a healthier bank balance. 


Open Categories:-


Worst Pumpclip:


http://pumpclipparade.blogspot.com/2011/11/smart-brewing-company-smart-arse.html


Most Over-Rated Brewery: buy me a couple of pints and I'll tell you.

Heresy? (Hardknott Dave, avert your gaze)

I've tasted Hardknott's mad bonkers Vitesse Noir a few times now.

It has a fantastic complex aroma of coffee and multitude of malt nuances. It's a beer that needs sipping, it's so rich and juicy and strong it defies a decent gulp. It's carbonation is barely discernable.

So in the pub recently I quipped it would benefit from a dash of Coke. The veins in Hardknott Dave's neck bulged as he forced a laugh at my heretical utterance.

At home last night I realised I was in possession of some Coke (a-Cola, that is) and a VN. So an experiment was in order.

I poured VN into two glasses. One as a control, one to receive the heretical mixer.

In the second glass I started with Coke:VN at 1:1. Yuk. The Coke overwhelmed the beer and a perfectly acceptable soft drink was ruined.

I upped the beer. 1:2, 1:3, 1:4, 1:5, 1:6, tasting the mixture at each stage. By 1:6 the overwhelming Coke sweetness was suitably diluted whilst some of its carbonation gave the cocktail a lift.

Tasting the control beer in the other glass came as a shock; it seemed extra rich, cloying and intense. The mix was lighter and easier drinking whilst the VN's abundant flavours remained. But the Coke flavour seemed to fight above its weight. Further dilution was necessary. I poured the control and the mix into one glass. Finally it was spot-on. I guess the ratio was about 1:10.