This week I have been mainly drinking...

Sharp's Chalky's, Bite 6.8%, 330ml bottle.

Here's the blurb:

"The idea for Chalky's Bite came about as a challenge from Rick Stein to Sharp's Head Brewer Stuart Howe.

The task was to create a distinctly English beer with the character, individuality and quality to stand alongside the Belgian greats. 
The beer created is exceptional with a delicate flavour balance of three different hop varieties and wild Cornish fennel. With a totally natural process and a maturation period of over three months the beer is allowed ample time to develop a high level of carbonation, its own distinctive flavour and a beautiful light golden colour. 
Chalky's patience whilst attending the many development and sampling sessions at the Brewery is justifiably rewarded in the name."

As is all too common, the blurb tells us very little. What are the three hop varieties? I can't be the only person who would like to know. 

Whatever they are, the results are rather good. I am reminded of two legendary beers that just happen to be big favourites – Orval and Anchor Liberty Ale. Fortunately the fennel flavour isn't too obvious. I like fennel but I feel a beer with a big fennel flavour would be difficult enjoy too often. As it is, I'm picking up a couple of bottles every week from my local Booths supermarket.

I find it encouraging that a British brewer has produced a 6.9% beer in a 330ml bottle. If only there were more. The bulk of Britain's craft beers are 3.5 to 5%, many are great beers but for non-pub consumption I prefer less volume and more strength and hopefully, more flavour. An attractively branded bottle and a suitable glass add to the pleasure. More please.

Arrgghh! Stop, I can't take it any more! I'll give you the top-secret invasion plans! (Or: The Real Ale Name Problem)

We regularly hear the world of real ale claim it desires a) more drinkers who are young, b) more drinkers who are women (indeed, people in both categories, young women, seem the most elusive customer.)

I believe the prevailing fallacy within the world of real ale is "many people don't know real ale exists: if more people knew of its existence, more people would drink it." 

In my experience practically all of the drinking population is aware of real ale but significant numbers find themselves alienated by several characteristics of the genre.

A recurrent theme is the alienation provided by the stupid names. 

To illustrate the problem I have made a list of beer names which jumped out at me from the pages of the CAMRA's 2008 Good Beer Guide.

Prepare to cringe.

[WARNING: clunking wordplays, forced alliteration, bad puns, feeble jokes and swords and sorcery follow]

Ale Mary

Baz's Bonce Blower

Bearly Literate

Bashful Beaver

Bumble Hole Bitter

Codrington Codger

Collie Wobbles

Crafty Shag

Croak & Stagger

Dizzy Dick

Doff Cocker

Dog Daze

Dozey Dawg

Druid's Fluid

Duck'n'Disorderly

'erbert

Ewe-phoria

Ewe-reek-a

Fine Fettle

Flashman's Clout

Friar Duck

Friggin in the Riggin

Frog Bog

Fuggle-Dee-Dum

Funky Monkey

Gartley Nagger

Gobble

Goldihops

Grumpling

Guest Fest

Guzzler

Hadda's Headbanger

Hairy Helmet

Haunted Hen

Headcracker

Hobgoblin

Honey Bunny

Hoptimism

Humpty Dumpty's Downfall

Hung Drawn 'n' Portered

Jock's Trap

Keel Over

Keystone Hops

Knocker Up

Kornish Nektar

Kripple Dick

Lancashire & Yorkshire Aleway

Land of Hop and Glory

Leper Squint

Lickerish Stout

Love Muscle

Mad Monk

Milk of Amnesia

Mucky Duck

Mutley's Revenge

Mutts Nuts

Naughty Ferrets

Naughty Nell's

Nessies Monster Mash

Nether Underestimate a Blonde

No-Eye Deer

Norfolk Nog

Nowtsa Matter

Numpty Bitter

Oggy Vog

Old(e) - 81 examples including:

Old Comfort

Old Disreputable

Old Dog

Old Fecker

Old Growler

Old Groyne

Old Jock

Old Knobbley

Old Slapper

Old Slug

Old Speckled Hen

Old Stoatwobbler

Old Stumpy

Old Tosser

Olde Codger

One for the Toad

One-Der-Ful Wheat

Over and Stout

Pail Ail

Pain in the Glass

Palmer's Poison

Parker's Porter

Parson's Pledge

Pawn Star

Penny's Porter

Peploe's Tipple

Pheasant Plucker

Piddle in the Dark/Hole/Snow/Wind

Pigswill

Pinch Noggin'

Piston Bitter / Brew

Plucking Pheasant

Poacher's Dick/Pocket/Pride/Trail

Polly's Folly

Pot Wallop

Pressed Rat and Warthog

Pucks Folly

Pure Ubu

Puritan's Porter

Qu'offa's

Quacker Jack

Rack and Ruin

Rail Ale

Rambers Ruin

Rampant Gryphon

Rams Revenge

Reel Ale

Ribble Rouser

Ringing Roger

Rite Flanker

Rougham Ready

Royale

Rucking Mole

Rusty Bucket

Sauce of the Niall

Sawley Tempted

Sheepshaggers Gold

Side Pocket for a Toad

Silk of Amnesia

Sipping Bull

Skullsplitter

Slaughter Porter

Sleck Dust

Slippery Jack

Slumberjack

Slurping Stoat

Snoozy Suzy

Soar Head

Spike's on t'Way

Summa That

Sunny Daze

Sweaty Clog

Tabatha the Knackered

Tackler's Tipple

Taffy's Tipple

Thistle Tickler

Tits Up

Tittesworth Tipple

Top Totty

Trembling Rabbit

Trotter's Tipple

Trout Tickler

Weiss Buoy

Weiss Squad

What the Duck

Whitley Wobbler

Wigan Bier

Winkle Warmer Porter

Wobbly Bob

Ye Olde Trout

After all that, mine's a pint of the beautifully named Stella Artois.

Has "Real Ale" had its day?

Ok,  now I've got your attention I should clarify – I mean the term "real ale", NOT "real ale" itself.

Real ale rhetoric is commonly along the lines of "we want more people to drink real ale, we think more people should give up mass-produced lager." 

A number of factors influence the decisions of the majority who prefer to stick with safe mass-produced beer. Paramount amongst them is image, and image is made up of associations. My belief is that associations attached to the word "ale" are inhibiting its uptake.

"Ale" is an ancient word, over a thousand years old. That's a lot of history. Indeed, a history to be proud of. Unfortunately, it seems to me, use of the word "ale" forces us to look backwards – and significant numbers of people are really deeply indifferent to, and uncomfortable with, looking backwards. 

Just think of some of the contemporary interests of British people e.g. fashion, technology, their kids, the latest release by a favourite band. All these interests are imbued with a curiosity about what might happen in the future. "Ale", being a historical word doesn't fit in with the forward-looking cultural interests of huge numbers of people.

There is another angle here: younger people seem the most resistant to the allure of depth of history; older people tend to grow to appreciate historical associations. I don't find this surprising. Young people, by virtue of having a lot of life ahead of them are prone to looking forward. The corollary is that older people have more to look back on, and in  so doing may develop increased interest in the built-in historical associations of the word "ale".

The beer market reflects this: real ale, on the whole, appeals to older men (we'll get on to the gender question some other time). 

(OK, at this point some loudmouth will be telling us in exasperated tones about Kevin S0-and-So aged 18 who only drink real ale, as if that trumps my argument. That's an exception isn't it? It's like a smoker defending his habit by saying "my grandad smoked 40 a day until he was 102". It's an exception, not an example of a trend.)

Here's my conclusion: as part of a broader effort to sell more craft beer to more people outside of the long-standing middle-aged bloke demographic it is necessary to ditch the word "ale". And ditching the word "ale" means ditching the the term "real ale", it's had its day. The replacement I favour is "craft beer." What say you?

What's so "Festive" about an airless dungeon?

In the past couple of years I've been to one or two British beer festivals that I thought were quite good - pleasant environment, a good mix of people and reliably good beer. The 2007 GBBF and Keswick Beer Festival spring to mind. I'm starting to think that beer festivals are improving.

All of a sudden, along comes a BF that shatters my fragile hope – Newcastle Beer Festival.

The location is the basement music venue in the university Students' Union building. The walls are painted matt black and the lighting is harsh chucking-out-time flourescent. The seemingly unventilated room is warm and clammy. An improvised bar dominates the centre of the room; apparently un-cooled casks lurk within.

My brother, two friends and I race in and pick some beers: hmm, so-so. Nothing blatantly "off" but nothing blatantly enjoyable either. All the beer temperatures are above the ideal and all the beers are lacking condition. Flavours are dull and lifeless - "brown". We put it down to luck of the draw. The second round is the same. As is the third. Rob says "sod this" and goes home. Round four provides John with an excellent Timothy Taylor's "Ram Tam". Round five is a write-off.

Dismayed by this dismal hit rate we head upstairs for a cider palate-cleanser, hopefully something gueuze-like. The man who serves us is wearing shabby carpet slippers, and some of the cider tastes something like that. Fortunately Mr Slippers is quite forthcoming with samples and we find some bracingly agreeable dry cider to finish the evening.

Although we didn't specifically see any "showcase for real ale" blurb on  this occasion, this kind of cant is usually attached to beer festivals. Presumably the desire to showcase "real ale" played a part in the motivation behind Newcastle BF like all other similar events. Sadly, it failed dismally in this presumed aim.