Inbev At It Again

It gets a bit irksome doesn't it?

"Contains Only Four Ingredients: Hops, Malted Barley, Maize, Water."

As beer geeks, we're clued up about our favourite beverage. We know that no decent beer ever "contains" maize (or corn syrup as it probably manifests itself.) It annoys us that Inbev UK Ltd have the bloody cheek to rely on the average customer's ignorance to make a selling point of a cheap adjunct.

It's also annoying that they choose to ignore the humble unsung-hero of brewing: lovely miracle-worker yeast.

This campaign first appeared a couple of years. It appears to have been revived. There are umpteen hoardings carrying the advert across Newcastle. I presume they have reappeared elsewhere too.

So rather than getting annoyed and bitching to each other about AB Inbev's attitude, why don't we do something about it?

As the "four ingredients" statement is untruthful in neglecting yeast, this advertising probably breaches advertising regulations. We should complain. In fact, I've done it already. It's easy; here's the link to the Advertising Standards Authority online form: http://www.asa.org.uk/Complaints-and-ASA-action/How-to-complain/Online-Form.aspx I'm not sure that multiple complaints on individual subjects adds any weight, but it can't do any harm can it?

[Please make sure you complain about Inbev UK Ltd]

[You can see the results about other previous complaints about Stella advertising here]

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UPDATE!

Here's the rather predictable response fro the advertising standards people:

"Dear Mr Pickthall

 INBEV UK LTD/ STELLA ARTOIS

 Thank you for contacting the Advertising Standards Authority.  I’m sorry to hear that this ad has caused you concern.

 You may be interested to know that we’ve previously received a few complaints about this ad.  Complaints included concerns that the ad didn’t list yeast and carbon dioxide as ingredients.

 We reviewed the ad and sought the advertisers’ response to these complaints. I should state from the outset that we will not be taking further action in respect of these complaints.  I realise you feel strongly about this ad, but please let me explain how and why we reached this view.

 The advertisers explained that the claim relates to the liquid produced at the end of the brewing process.  Both the advertisers and we accept that yeast is used in the brewing process to start the fermentation.  However, the yeast is removed after the fermentation process, using a combination of three methods, which ensures the yeast doesn’t appear in the end product. 

 We consider that most consumers are likely to know that yeast is needed for the brewing process, and that carbon dioxide is a by-product of that process.  In our view, the ad is unlikely to mislead consumers to their detriment as to the nature of the product or how it is produced.  Given this, we will not be pursuing these complaints further.

 Although we’ve been unable to uphold these complaints, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to contact us with your concerns.

 Best regards,

Emily Henwood | Complaints Executive"

That response hasn't exactly come as a surprise. As Beernut was quick to point out, Inbev's defence would be that Stella doesn't contain yeast as it's filtered to death out.

Fair enough. We could all see it coming.

I'm still not satisfied with the advert. OK, I'll put my hand up to the accusation of pedantry, but their use of the word "contains" bothers me. I'd be happy with "brewed from" but as far as I can see Stella does not "contain"malted barley, maize or hops. I'm not a brewer, I don't really know how to word it in a properly technical way but Stella must rather contain proteins derived from malt and maize, and a smattering of acids from the hops. And good old alcohol and CO2 of course.

As you can see from the response email "The advertisers explained that the claim relates to the liquid produced at the end of the brewing process." Well, Mr In-Fucking-Bev, the liquid DOES NOT "contain" malted barley, maize or hops – I could bloody well see them if they were there and they would get stuck in my teeth if I were ever to lower my standards enough to consume the stuff.

I may well make another pedantry-inspired complaint.

Rant over.

Synaesthesia?

My other obsession in life is music, and you'll be hearing more about this in the forthcoming mammoth blog post. 

Some musicians speak to me. Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Wayne Shorter, B.B. King, Carlos Santana (in his peak years '72-'74), to name but a few, do it to me. The greatest virtuosos are capable of capturing the all complexity and nuance of the human voice. And this is the ultimate goal when you attempt to play a melodic instrument, whether you know it or not. When I am most receptive I can almost hear words. Coltrane is a chatterbox trying to tell you his life story; Shorter is taciturn but a master of the withering put-down; Miles Davis does it all: name an emotion and I'll point you to a recording that captures it. Even Sun Ra's cacaphonies make perfect sense to me. Most rock music conveys no more message to me than a baby banging its toy on its cot conveys to its parents.

What's this got to do with beer?

When I experience flavour I almost hear it and see it. Fruity, herbal hop character is shiny brass instruments; maltiness is bass and drums. Somewhere in the middle the highs and lows mingle in harmonious, or sometimes discordant, ways. At the same time I almost "see" a representation of my mental flavour encyclopaedia, and where the new beer flavour is filed. Experience a new beer and I look into my mind and I almost see lights come on, like a map in a public place that has buttons illuminating specific locations.


I have a friend who keeps no numbers in his mobile phone. He doesn't need to as he can remember them all. He'll freely admit to being a bit "spergy". Sometimes I feel I have a similar thing going on with flavour.

Recently I was in the pub with friends (funnily enough). I described a beer as having a murky midrange. One of my friends, known for his ability to cut through bluster and flummery, interjected – "what the fuck are you on about, 'the mid-range flavours'?". It was then that it dawned on me that I regularly use this, and other, musical terms when describing flavour. It seems perfectly natural to me but now I realise not everyone perceives and remembers  flavours the same way. 

Could this be synaesthesia? Am I a synesthete? I wonder. It would explain a lot.

[Many thanks btw to Martyn Cornell for reminding me of the music connection with this sentence: "The stay-at-home IPA was silver trumpets, with everything higher, brighter; the well-travelled, 'maderised' version was golden trombones, a baritone to its brother’s tenor."]

This Makes Me Angry For So Many Reasons

http://www.theleedsbierfest.com/


[This is not the mammoth post either]

New Poll On Bottle Sizes

It's over there on the right  ➵



This isn't the mammoth post that's in the pipeline btw!

Bear with me...

There's a big blog post coming up. It's currently on 3500 words and will probably go over 5000.

Lib Dems Leading In The Poll That Matters

The Lib Dems are leading in the non-authoritative poll I'm running (which you can find at the top right of the page you are looking at.)

At 11am on the day before the general election the parties currently stand at:

Conservative: 3 votes (13%)
Labour: 1 vote (4%)
Lib Dem: 12 votes (52%)
Hung / Coalition: 1 vote (4%)
Other: 6 votes (26%)

The poll ends as voting closes on election day.

Vote in my beer poll now!

Enterprise On My Back

You may recall that last year I went undercover at an Enterprise Inn recruitment indoctrination event. Since then I've been getting regular emails attempting to cajole me into taking on one of their poxy pubs and thereby work 100 hours a week for £10,000 p.a. and then get booted out after two years with a debt of £50,000.


They have a new tack – taking on an Enterprise pub as a way to indulge a passion for cask ale.

"And with Cask Ales enjoying a real renaissance, we can offer you the chance to combine your passion for keeping and serving the very best beers, supporting you every step of the way in your new venture."

At the recruitment meeting last October I asked the nice lady from Solihull about cask ale. She told me that Enterprise could supply "pretty much anything you want to sell." Further probing revealed that the cask portfolio listed 80 beers. 


To get that in perspective, remember that the UK now has over 600 breweries and during the course of year each will brew a dozen or so different beers. Therefore there are approximately 7,200 different cask ales available every year. Enterprise's offering constitutes about 1.1% of the available beers. 


It's not going to work is it? Certainly, a good and varying range of cask ales is a sure-fire way to create a popular pub – but you're hardly going to be able to achieve it with Enterprise's paltry portfolio of national brands.


I shall be continuing to resist Enterprise's kind offer of a pub.

GBG v. GPG

A guide to beer guides

Guardian Piece Makes Interesting Points

The Malt Manifesto.

Darling Budget Dismay

Christmas Gets Earlier

Cast your mind back a couple of months. What did you drink on Christmas Day?

I've landed a commission to contribute to a book of Christmas food and drink which, all being well, will be flying off the shelves next December. No, I haven't been given the Terry's Chocolate Orange or Toblerone sections. Funnily enough, I've been given the beer entry.

I don't have a huge number of words to play with so I'm going to concentrate on beer/food matching for the classic festive comestibles.

My brother and I have been attempting to create sublime beer and food matches at Christmas for years. We've come up with a few principles to narrow down our own Christmas beer search e.g. golden ale or darkish lager, low to medium bitterness, to go with the turkey.

What are your Christmas beer/food guidelines? I'd like to see if my perceptions are are shared by other beerophiles, or whether I'm going to look like a turkey with my suggestions.

Might be worth keeping it simple, such as festive comestible / beer style / example such as roast turkey / golden ale / Swannay Orkney Blast.

Your wisdom is appreciated. Remind me to get you a pint next time I see you.

Beer Electioneering Semiotics

I often start the day with a browse of the Daily Mail's website. I know I shouldn't but it is a useful adjunct to the effects of caffeine in getting me fired up for the day.


Today this caught my eye: "Now 'Dave' claims he likes nothing better than to sit on the sofa watching darts... who does he think he's kidding?"

Apparently "Dave" Cameron has given an interview in which he talks about his love of darts, canned Guinness and 'gritty' shows on the telly." 


That is of course a mendacious and patronising attempt to appeal to working class voters and should be treated with eye-rolling disdain.


But beer gets a mention – what role does it play in Dave's electioneering?


Dave Cameron is a clever bloke and more than capable of understanding and manipulating subtle messages of "brand".


Canned Guinness says (and you may contradict me here): "I'm ordinary; I don't like fancy things but canned lager is a bit too crude for me; I choose Guinness because it offers more flavour yet doesn't possess a snobby elitist image; I'm a man of the people but not undiscriminating".


It can't have escaped your notice that he is pictured clutching a pint of cask ale. I expect this has come from the DM picture library rather than issued by the Cameron machine to accompany his interview with Shortlist magazine. Nonetheless Dave would have been aware of the semiotic value being pictured with a pint of cask ale. This will no doubt go do well with Dave's core voters – the home counties middle class. For this group – the blokes at least – cask ale is the default beer choice. 


When Dave became leader of the Conservative Party in 2005, for one interview (so Dave, what attracted you to the aristocratic multi-million heiress Samantha?), he was pictured in his kitchen at home with his wife and kids. Difficult to miss, on the wall behind them was a Grolsch neon. A Grolsch neon? It can't have escaped Dave's people that a prominent brand image was displayed. I imagine the intended message was "I drink lager, I'm ordinary; however I choose drink posh import-only lager, I care about provenance, flavour etc".

All-in-all, it's a fairly confused message. The only message I think I'm getting is that Dave probably is a beer drinker. I don't think the same can be said for the humourless Scottish puritan control-freak Gordon Brown.


Will Dave the Beer Drinker, or Gordon the Hair Shirt get my vote? No. Hell will freeze over before I could vote for either of them. Nor could I bring myself to vote for Nick "it's a recession: we've downgraded from Ocado to Sainsbury's" Clegg. I'm stuck on "none of the above". I suspect I'm not alone.

Beer On The Telly Again

A few evenings ago my TIVO picked up this sympathetic piece from the formerly-nasty Michael Portillo:




Pleasing though it is that our beer history is getting some mass-media, my heart sank a little at one point.

Where?

2 mins 47 seconds.

Why the old-fashioned van? I'm no expert but that van looks 1930s to me. Just what has that got to do with brewing in 2010? OK, the thirties were in Burton's glory years but the brewery concerned is contemporary. I can see that they want to suggest "we revere the tradition we are part of", but isn't it an awkward and unnecessary way of saying it? I might be imagining it, but I think Portillo's laughter is disguising a cringe. I certainly cringed.

It bothers me that the world of cask ale is perennially keen to promote itself to more people yet it doesn't listen to those it wishes to convert. The perception "cask ale is for old men" is still inhibits the unconverted yet brewers still trot out the very "ye olde" cliches that created it.

Pub Closures – A Thought

This post by Woolpack Dave has got me thinking about pub closures.

We regularly see the scary statistic "52 pubs closing every week". Or 36, or 19. Whatever the number is, it signifies some sort of change or upheaval in Britain's socialising habits. Costs for pubs have increased and notably the historical core of the pub business  – blokes drinking lots of pints – looks fragile.

Ten years ago my brother and I were in the midst of a two year search for premises for our own beer evangelism business (please overlook the ghastly photograph, it was a much nicer place than the image might suggest). Steve and I love pubs. What we really wanted was a pub but it quickly became apparent that to do what we wanted – to sell what might termed the esoterica of the beer world – our chance of finding a pub in which to do it was zero.

The essential requirement was that whatever premises we took on it would have to be free-of-tie. To buy the freehold of a pub was way out of our budget. Free-of-tie pub tenancies and leases in London are conspicuous by their almost complete absence. So we had no choice we had to look for premises other than pubs. That's why we ended up adapting a former furniture shop.

But what had we created? People socialised, drank beer and ate food in convivial environment. A pub, in all but name. But no, the appropriate description was "a bar".

Had we been doing this now, would our business count as a pub opening? Are pub closure statistics limited to the bricks and mortar bearing the name "pub"? Are the statistics neglecting new business that are pubs in all but name? I suspect there are many others who have experienced the problem we had.

But why does that problem exist?

Obvious really. The structure of the pub industry. Pub companies owning thousands of pubs. Sure you can get your hands on a pub: but it will have to be tied. Wave goodbye to your local market knowledge, your specialist skills, your ability to innovate. Or go for a bar or cafe.

I feel sad when I see boarded-up pubs; I feel happy when enterprising people are opening bars and cafes. There's no short of people willing to invest in and run food/drink/conviviality businesses only pubs are off-limits because of the structure of the pub industry and its weapon of mass-destruction, the tie system.

If the stranglehold on the pub trade was loosened would the picture be rosier? Would the likes of Microbar, North Bar, the Rake and countless others, beer-focused or not, be thriving pubs? I think so.

BBC at it again.

Here's another BBC news story scaremongering about alcohol.

Note the following paragraph:

The report also called for a rise in duty on spirits and white cider, mandatory health warnings on labels, and stricter regulation of alcohol advertising and promotion.

So, the story is about a report which calls for a duty rise on spirits and white cider. What image does the BBC choose to illustrate this story about spirits and white cider – a picture of someone drinking a pint of what appears to be cask ale, presumably in a pub.

Poor journalism.

Top-Notch Service – Pub Trade Take Note.

A few days ago I took Messrs Marks and Spencer's kind offer of four bottles of Cornish IPA for the price of three.

I opened the first bottle: dull, lacking flavour, limp, oxidisation starting to rear its ugly wet cardboard head.

I opened the second then the third – the same problem. The fourth remained unopened – I'd got the message.

Braving the icy roads, clutching my receipt, I took them back to M&S.

The checkout assistant summoned a friendly lady from the stock room. A profuse apology was offered while a refund form was being filled in.

I took my money and turned to leave.

"Wait, you haven't got your replacements."

A bag containing four more bottles was thrust at me.

I paused while I wiped away a tear of joy at the niceness of the world (almost).

I Wouldn't Normally ... OK, Go On Then...

...I'll have a copy of the Spectator.

In it you'll find a piece "Don't worry – drink and be merry"by Canadian journalist Leah McLaren who evidently spends a lot of time in the UK.


I hope it registers with the main protagonist in neo-prohibitionism – the Government, and the uncritical mass-media: the BBC, the Daily Mail, The Independent...and many more.

While I've got your attention, "Labour’s fixation with control is strangling everyone" in the Times is also worth a read.

Last-minute Christmas Shopping

What Am I Looking For? (My Beer Of the Year Award)

I was in the pub recently with award-winning blogger Woolpack Dave and his partner Woolpack Anne. The conversation between Dave and I (Anne, despite being entirely sober, was nodding off) was about what we look for in a beer; the quest, the never-ending search for the next great beer.

Ten years ago I was infatuated with American IPAs. I thought they were the be all and end all. My first couple of trips to California in the late nineties had convinced me that big, bold and assertive beers were the future. This thought was part of the inspiration for creating Microbar. I wanted to bring a bit of the  US's craft beer culture to the UK.

Since then, I have mellowed in my view. I like to think my understanding of what sells to whom and why (in the socio-demographic and individual senses) is rather good. Years of experience and observation have tempered my enthusiasm for hop-blasts and caused me to re-appraise my early view of them as saviours of beer (I still love them and crave them especially here in Cumbria where one hop cone is passed around the various breweries for a waft over the wort).

No, today I'm looking for something that transcends the thrill of blasts of flavour and bitterness.

I'm wary of the description "balanced". For me, that word brings to mind obsessions of an older generation of cask ale drinkers: the regional brewers, sessionability, CAMRA and boring brown beer. "Balanced" is too close to "b*lan**d" for my liking.

There is no single word for what I'm looking for. Here's a selection that go some way toward describing what I crave: harmony, complexity, layeredness, aroma, integration, surprise, poise, nuance, finish, moreishness.

I hope that those descriptors give you some insight into my selection for Jeff's Beer of the Year 2009.

GOLD: Anderson Valley's Boont Amber. I first came across this on draught in a bar in San Francisco in 2003. Since then I've dreamed of its symphony of malt and superlative but subtle hop character. Fortunately someone had the good sense to bring some in for the GBBF.

From GBBF '09

SILVER: Budvar. Yes good old "ordinary" Budvar. Throughout the year I've regularly been noticing that Budvar has gained hop character in a particularly beautiful way – it meets all, rather than just several of my criteria. Many times I thought my mind must be playing tricks on me as it's such a well-established and familiar beer. Anticipating having my mental health questioned I asked the chaps from Budvar UK if there had been any change to the beer in recent months. Breezily they replied "Oh, that's since the new head brewer took over last January." I swooned. The brilliance of my tastebuds confirmed!

BRONZE: Jarrow Brewery McConnells Celebratory Port Stout.  Neither really stouty or porty, nonetheless a great beer - undercurrents of treacle, chocolate and coffee with an abundant smack of hoppy orangey fruitiness. Despite pseudo-Victorian pumpclip imagery, it's actually quite modern in its flavour profile.

There are many, many more deserving of honourable mentions. If I get time later I'll add some. Now I'm off to start my Christmas shopping.

Festive Beer And Food Matching

Last Christmas my brother and I matched Orkney Blast by Swannay Brewery with our Christmas turkey. It was heaven. This golden ale with moderate bitterness and malty character partnered the roast avian and chipolatas with distinction. Brother and I grinned while sister-in-law, mother and step-father supped their indifferent plonk.

The great thing was, we hadn't planned the pairing. It has become a tradition for us to have multiple beer aperitifs on Christmas day by sampling a selection of beers we've picked up in the preceding weeks (we deserve it, up before dawn to put the sprouts on and slaving in slaving in a hot kitchen all morning). Orkney Blast made it to the table as it was the one that we opened just as everything was ready to serve.

This year we want to repeat the food matching triumph. Going for the same beer again, if we can find it, is much too obvious – what do you recommend?

Writing About Beer Is The New Rock'n'Roll: Backstage After-Party With This Year's Sensation

You know the cliche: such-and-such is the new rock'n'roll? Comedy, fashion, politics, knitting, you name it, it's been the new rock'n'roll.

The "beer is the new rock'n'roll" triteness (tritism?) has been lurking in my mind for a few weeks now, largely inspired by that popular beat combo Brew and his Dogs and their fanclub, er, shareholders.

I was reminded of it last week when Pete Brown was celebrating winning Beer Writer of the Year.

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Late at night, with a group of friends away from the public gaze and already under the influence of a heady intoxicant, Pete was witnessed on his knees partaking of some unseemly ritual involving a sharpened implement and a substance known to this underground culture as "wax". With a smile on his face he went on to allow his guests to "sniff" the contents of a phial cryptically marked "Bass King's Ale, February 22nd 1902". He later poured out a syrupy liquid for his guests to consume. Soon they could be heard uncontrolably and deliriously drooling words normally reserved for flavours and aromas. Exactly what substances are being used by this dangerous counter-culture is anyone's guess. The police have been informed.


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I Fancy a Fictional Beer

Every time I watch My Name is Earl I try to catch the name of the bottled beer the characters drink in the Crab Shack. The label is usually partly hidden by the character's hand.

Tonight I got it. It's "Heisler".

Of course, I expected Heisler to be entirely fictional. What I didn't expect, as revealed by Google, is that Heisler has appeared in dozens, if not hundreds of TV programmes and films.

The Germanic name may be a nod toward Budweiser, but the graphic design says to me "craft beer".

Everybody seems to drink straight from the bottle so we don't get to see the fictional colour of the beer. I'd like to think it's an amber, something like Anchor Steam. I'd drink it.

A Scary Thought.

Is this the sort of thing UK neo-probs are fantasising about?

Also here and here.

Wetherspoons Enters Never-Ending Sparkler Debate

Last night my brother and I popped into the Union Rooms in Newcastle Upon Tyne to try their festival beers.

I ordered a Schwarzbier (can't remember the name) and Ste a Woodforde's Dragon Hall. The barman apologised the Woodfordes had finished so, rather graciously, I turned round the pumpclip for him (I how this simple task often escapes them). This was revealed:

Note the staff instruction: "Use Southern Sparkler".

Eh, a what?

Since you were wondering: The wotsit Schwarzbier was agreeable but unmemorable; York Brewery Coppergate had "tantalising hints of niceness but otherwise vegetal yuk" according to Ste; Toshi's Amber spoiled by obvious oxidisation.

We moved onto the Bridge Hotel were we discovered a brilliant beer: "Hadda's Autumn" by Vale Brewing Company. It tasted like a lower strength version of Anchor Liberty Ale. And that is a very big compliment. Liberty is one of my desert-island beers. Tremendous.

Disappointingly, we encountered no atrocious beer names all evening.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

Browsing Newcastle Real Ale Listings before I pop over there at the weekend I came across a beer name that made me wince.

It didn't just make me wince, it made think of the film "Falling Down" – with me in it.

As I don't know where to get any guns or explosives, I thought I've got to do something a bit creative.

I've had an idea lurking for some time – a collaborative blog dedicated to improving cask ale's brand image by collecting images of dismal pumclips and the like. Hopefully we would knock some sense into the brewers thusly named and shamed.

Here it is.

BTW The beer name that pushed me over the edge was "Dognobbler" by Wylam Brewery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticising the beer, just the name. I regularly enjoy Wylam beers when I'm in the NE and John Boyle is a jolly decent chap but...

Undercover Mission

My mischievous interest piqued by a junk mail flyer, this morning I had an informal meeting with an Enterprise Inns recruitment manager, a nice lady from Solihull.

Putting on my investigative reporter hat, I packed my note-book and tape recorder. I also packed my annotated copy of the Business and Enterprise Committee Report on the Pubcos.*

Other than the nice recruitment lady,  I was the only person there.  My notes and the tape recorder had to stay in my bag, they would be too conspicuous. I had to scribble long-hand and work from memory. I certainly wasn't able to note everything she said but all the following quotes are direct.

We kicked off with some general chit chat in which I felt I was being tested on pre-existing knowledge of the pub trade. I didn't let on I'd been the co-founder and co-owner of a legendary specialist beer free-house.

I asked about Enterprises rivals. She listed Punch, Admiral etc. I mentioned Greene King had bought my old local pub. I'm good at reading (or at least noticing) body language. On the mention of GK her hand immediately covered her mouth – a gesture usually interpreted as occurring when lying or holding back information. Very curious.

We moved on. I mentioned the name of a local Enterprise pub that has opened and closed repeatedly the past couple of years. Apparently "they didn't keep up with obligations". She deftly moved the subject on before I could ask "such as..?".

Moving away from awkwardness. I asked about terms of leases. She gave me an overview of the major terms  – although funnily enough, she didn't mention upward-only rent reviews and foolishly forgot to ask about them.

We talked about an attractive Enterprise pub currently available in Ambleside. Apparently it will be leased on the understanding that:

"The incoming people would spend some of their own money on making it what it needs to be. We are cutting back on non-essential spends."

So, it's a dump and they want me to pay for its refurb.

I brought up the subject of the downturn in the pub-trade and mentioned that I'd seen lots of closed Enterprise pubs bearing "to let" signs. Apparently:

"Householders bought [pub] leases at the peak of the market to release equity, but the market plunged."

The implication there is that Enterprise's business practices had no influence on the number of lessees having their leases and livelihoods terminated.

I asked about the tie system. My favourite aspect of UK beer is the micro sector. With that in mind, I asked if, as an Enterprise lessee, I would be allowed to sell what I wanted. Apparently:

"Pretty much anything you want to sell, we can get"

Feigning limited knowledge of the sector, I offered "micros seem to be a growing field these days". I was re-assured they could supply me with:

"Most of the brands of cask ale being brewed"

I brought up the subject of imported beers. The response was a vague and weasily:

"We can get all the [imported] beers most people want"

That's Beck's then.

She moved the subject on to wine. I sensed at this point I was expected to be impressed that:

"We get all our wine from Waverley. If you're doing well with wine we can use Bibendum"

We moved on to the pub situation in city centres, that they are filled with branded outlets such as Walkabout, Tiger Tiger etc. She moaned that Enterprise didn't have as many city centre pubs as they would like. She described Enterprise pubs as "independent". Unknowingly, she'd waved a red rag at this particular bull – but I didn't let my annoyance show. I asked "how can a tied pub in an estate of 8000+ be described as 'independent'?". It seems they're "independent" because:

"We don't brand our pubs at all"

My brain reeling from this assault on logic, I went back to the tie. I wanted to know the typical price differential between their tied supply and the open market:

"[our wholesale prices] are not necessarily higher than the open market"

Tellingly, she did the hand-over-mouth thing again.

Pushing the tie question further, again feigning ignorance, I asked her to explain why there seemed to be some controversy about the operating methods of the Pubcos. I mentioned that I'd noticed a local Cumbrian MP, Tim Farron had something to do with a body called "Fair Pint". I didn't let on that I'd previously interviewed Tim Farron on the subject for a magazine article. She did the awkward hand over mouth thing again and went into a rambling justification of the tie system based on the glaringly fallacious defence:

"The tie system has been in place for generations"

She digressed onto the situation that existed before the Beer Orders of 1989 and the creation of the Pubcos. Her view was that because there are now more beers and breweries than before the existence of the Pubcos, it must be the Pubco system that has enabled this to happen. She was floundering and I was doing my best to resist putting her straight.

On the subject of the brewing Pubcos, i.e. the Regional/Family Brewers, she seemed scornful. Perhaps she had got into her head that being interest in beer I may be a better candidate for them. With negative body-language and tone of voice she rambled about fixed term loan-ties offered by brewers:

"You agree to sell so much of their beer in a fixed period and in return they'll do up your cellar or garden or something"

Where did that come from? I think she may have been trying to move the subject away from sensitive subjects while attempting to find something with which to diss some of the opposition. I was astonished that she could be contemptuous of loan ties but favour  non-brewing 100% wet-tied estates.

I asked about the apparently high number of leases available. What was the proportion of leases being surrendered compared to the number of leases being assigned (sold)? She did the hand-over mouth thing again and rambled something that included:

"It's no good whingeing down the line you've been ripped off."

Doing a Jeremy Paxman, I asked what I might expect to earn as an Enterprise leaseholder. Another circuitous, hand-over-mouth ramble ensued. At no point did Solihull lady name any figure even when I insisted it was a very important question. In a rather awkward side-step she managed to move the subject on to necessity of gaining a personal license.

I asked about Brulines cellar monitoring equipment. I mentioned that I'd heard the system described as BruNazi. I mentioned the accusation that Brulines equipment allegedly can't differentiate between beer and water – a serious concern. Solihull lady went into a ramble about the benefits of Brulines including:

"It's very good for working out staffing levels. You'd be a fool not to use it"

Perhaps the most important question (other than earnings) is the ingoing costs. Here Solihull lady was seemingly quite open (or well-briefed). She explained how it works. 25% of annual rent as deposit plus one month's rent in advance with additional costs i.e. legal, surveys and stock-taking. Apparently this adds up to about £20,000 for the "average" Enterprise leased pub and £10 or £12k is the bare minimum. I've no idea of the accuracy of this figure, perhaps any Enterprise leaseholders reading this can enlighten us.

I asked about rents. Although I forgot to specifically mention such abuse of power as upward-only reviews I did describe a hypothetical situation like a large local employer going out of business and so depriving the pub of a large part of its trade. The message was: "tough!" but she couched it in the euphemistic:

"The economy is not a material change in circumstance"

I asked how long does a typical leaseholder stay in business before moving on, for whatever reason.

"I wouldn't like to put a term on it"

No, I bet you wouldn't. Surely that kind of information is foremost in the minds of Enterprise executives? Indeed, it has been suggested that the money paid by ingoing leaseholders and the charges made on surrendered leaseholders are built into the cashflow of Pubcos as revenue streams. For a recruitment advisor to avoid answering it is alarming and possibly dishonest.

I asked why Enterprise concentrates on leaseholds rather than managed houses. Apparently:

"Managed houses are not viable for us – too costly"

Yes but a pub's a pub isn't it? There aren't radically different modus operandi between individual pubs. So isn't this a weasily way of saying "we prefer leaseholders to bear the increasingly onerous costs and  the risks therein"

That was it really. My hour was up. I think I did reasonably well in my investigative reporter role. Funnily enough, I wasn't persuaded that I should take an Enterprise lease.

* A nice juicy extract: "There is a worrying pattern in the evidence presented to us [by lessees] of lack of support for lessees, of verbal agreements not honoured, and, on occasion, of downright bullying [by the pubco landlords]"

Desperate Enterprise?

My mother called to let me know a leaflet had been delivered to her house which she thought must be for me because it was about pubs.

I asked her to scrutinise it – no it bore no name or address, it was just junk-mail accompanied by takeaway menus and handyman leaflets.

Yes it was about pubs – Enterprise Inns.

It seems Enterprise has taken to door-to-door leaflet drops to try to sell their poisoned leases to retired professionals!

Here's some blurb:

"Enterprise Inns is coming to your area in the next few weeks, to answer all your questions about running a pub business and to tell you how they could turn your dream into reality [read: 'redundancy money etc into thin air']."

"At these forthcoming information days you will meet our Regional Managers, who have many years of experience in the pub trade. They will talk to you about what it takes to run a successful pub business and will tell you about all the training and support offered by enterprise Inns that will help you get started. They'll also show you full details of all the available pubs in your area."

Funnily enough, I advised my mother (second hip replacement next week) to resist Enterprise's tempting offer.

I feel an urge to sign up for one of their brainwashing days armed with the BEC Report in the pubcos – with all the nasty details highlighted. I feel I have a duty to protect the innocent.

Beer Politics Survey Preliminary Results

With 57 survey forms in this is how the left/right, libertarian/authoritarian spread looks.

The survey will stay open possibly indefinitely.

As you can see most of us beer fans are reasonably liberal and somewhat left.

A thought occurs to me: the Political Compass is American (I think). If it was British, would the weighting of the survey be different? I suspect the vertical axis would be shifted to some degree to the left reflecting the difference between what counts as the centre in the UK (or Western Europe) and the US.

Just a thought.

Tune in later for more analysis.

B.T.W. I won't be mentioning anyone by name.

[I've just installed Snow Leopard OS on my iMac – result: Excel isn't working. Thanks Microsoft]

Survey Latest

We're up to 46 now but no sign of Tandleman yet. What's he scared of? Will the political compass reveal to him unpalatable things? Perhaps he'll be close to Norman Tebbit? Wouldn't that be a laugh?!

BeerNut has corrected his typo. He's no longer beyond Stalin!

Can we make it to fifty?

Survey Latest

We're up to 18 entries in my beer politics survey. That isn't nearly enough to be statistically significant. We're really not going to learn anything useful (possibly ever) as the sample group is largely self-selecting. Nonetheless I've been calculating some correlations (or rather, a spreadsheet has). Very little light is yet being shed on anything but I am getting some insight into certain individuals!

Hopefully by the end of today we'll have a few more entries. It's Friday so people will be looking for end-of-week work diversions.

p.s. Beer Nut: could you confirm your Political Compass scores? I think you may have made a typo as you're nearly off the graph!

The Daily Mail's Redeeming Feature

Much as I heartily despise the Daily Mail and its tiresome "Broken Britain" rhetoric, its racism and its encouragement of fear and hatred, it does give beer some good coverage.

Here, for example.

I still won't be buying it though.

Is the North of England Devoid of Good Pubs?

I found this map "Good Pub Guide National Awards 2009" rather alarming.

It's telling us England's most northerly good pub is in Peterborough. Wales and Scotland have one good pub each. Northern Ireland has no good pubs.

I feel like punching it.

Wetherspoons Misinformation?

Now I'm not one of those pub-goers that screams "Trading Standards" at every minor infraction of some petty rule but this poster did catch my eye. It seems to be saying Guinness, John Smiths Extra Smooth and Strongbow are lagers.

Evidence of the cheapo shoddiness rather than an attempt to deceive I would think.

Yes, observant readers, this does mean I've set foot in a Wetherspoons again. All in the line of duty. I'm sorry.

I Just Got Dem Recession Brews, Oh Yeah Baby!

But seriously folks, I'm doing a bit of research – and you can help.

To save me poring through countless websites and publications could you kind people provide me with names of any UK breweries that have come into existence in the past year or so since the credit crunch thingy?

I suspect it is a lower number than in previous years or CAMRA would have been trumpeting it as evidence of the alleged success of their "campaigning", instead they chose to trumpet that they have recruited (or bamboozled) their one hundred thousandth member.

[BTW 100,000 in base 19 is EB03. Doesn't sound quite so exiting does it?]

A Video For You

The Solution

There you have it. The odd one out is LAGER. Who would have thunk it?

Imagine a beer festival, maybe in Germany or the Czech Replublic. Imagine the wordsearch in reverse: ale is the odd one out. How would that be perceived by CAMRA types? The organisers would be accused of outright ignorance, and worse. Imagine the chorus of indignation: "What about ale's multitude of splendiferous variations - e.g. Golden Ale, Best, Light Bitter, Barley Wine, IPA, Mild, Porter, Old Ale, Stout?" they would splutter.

Looking on the brightside, "Wordsearchgate" has

given me an excuse to embed a video of one of my heroes.

Which Evil Foreign Beer Style Is The Odd One Out?

Tune in tomorrow for the solution.

GBBF '09

Here are some pics of things that caught my eye this week.